Vanderpump Rules Recap: Watch Your Back

Season 6 - Episode 14

March 13, 2018 9:25am

Did you know that if you really hate something, and you complain about it ad nauseam, the universe will reward you with something even more annoying? I discovered this while watching tonight’s Vanderpump Rules episode and found myself taking Scheana Marie‘s side. Yes, you read that right. I. Sided. With. Scheana. At first, I thought I was just tired, with the time change and all. But no, this week she managed to annoy me about 162 times less than she normally does. I feel lost, this must be what it’s like to be Tom Schwartz.

You see, last week Scheana evil-giggled as she described her plan to break up Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright. Raise your hand if, this week, you decided to join her. It’s Jax’s 38th birthday and Brittany has gone all out with a huge birthday party at her former workplace, Hooters. While Stassi Schroeder attends the bash, she reminds us of when she found out Jax cheated on her, and her response was to throw all of his belongings out and drink all of his Cristal, so she can’t understand why Brittany is throwing him such a huge bash. We’re with you, Stassi. Brittany explains that her mom advised her if she was going to stay in the relationship she needed to give it 100%. Again, we’re with you, Stassi. Anyway, during the party, Scheana pulls Jax aside to discuss Jax’s comment about Rob not loving her. Jax tells her everything Rob said and naturally, she can’t believe it and then backtracks by saying they don’t HAVE to say I love you all the time because it’s special. Now, I can’t tell if she’s losing confidence in her statements or if botox gives you Tourettes of the face, but it’s looking like Scheana is having a hard time believing what she’s saying. Jax shuts down the conversation and then struts around in a romper given to him by Schwartz and Tom Sandoval.

The next day Brittany and Scheana have lunch. Scheana, bless her heart, just wants Brittany to be as happy as she is with Rob, so she starts talking about the new guy, Adam, telling Brittany he had been asking about her. Subtle. Oh, and is it me or does it look difficult for Scheana to eat and drink things? (I know, I know, but I promise she gets less annoying) Meanwhile, Billie Lee and Stassi head over to Kristen Doute‘s where Billie reveals that Ariana Madix‘s brother, Jeremy, has asked her out on a date. But because nobody can just be happy around these two they immediately start asking Billie if they’ll be going out in public, inform her that he’s tried dating everybody, and then Stassi calls him creepy because he hit on her at Katie Maloney-Schwartz‘s wedding. Later, Billie and Lala Kent go to Scheana’s so Billie can get ready for her date. Side note: Scheana thinks Billie and Jeremy are a perfect match because they both smoke weed, and if anyone knows perfect matches, it’s Scheana. (I realize I’m losing my she-wasn’t-so-annoying credibility but bear with me) Billie tells Lala and Scheana what Kristen and Stassi said and Lala gets mad. Once dressed and ready, Billie and Lala head to the bar to have a drink before Jeremy arrives. When he does, Billie explains to him she was nervous because she didn’t want him to get crap for dating her and he’s super cool about it, informing her that she’s a woman now and that’s how she should be treated. This world could use a few more Jeremy’s, Stassi.

Naturally, Stassi and Kristen’s comments get back to Ariana and understandably, she’s p**sed. While at work, Lisa Vanderpump visits with Ariana and she tells Lisa about Stassi and Kristen’s comments about her brother. To which Lisa responds by informing all of that Jeremy pretty much saved SUR from being completely destroyed by the fire. Again, a few more Jeremy’s wouldn’t hurt. Not long after Ariana and Lala head out for their girls night. They’re supporting Brittany but I’m not 100% sure for what. Now, Brittany has some optimism I’ve only seen in cartoons. She’s so happy to have the girls there, thinking they’re all going to have a great night, only for it to end with Scheana and Ariana leaving after a heated discussion about Stassi and Kristen’s Jeremy comments. And there went girl night.

Girls night may be over but Jax’s birthday isn’t.  Brittany got Jax an electric drum set. Yeah. Sandoval says it best when he says that Jax will probably cheat again just to see what else he can get. While Jax plays on the drum like a kid on Christmas, Sandoval tells him about the Jeremy/Stassi/Kristen situation. Meanwhile, Stassi and Kristen arrive at Katie and Schwartz’s place to delve into witchcraft. They call it “making perfume” but I’m on to them. Sandoval decides to head over (or he was summoned by their powers), Schwartz tells him to proceed with caution. He brings up the Jeremy thing and the girls start in on him. Stassi starts losing it and she explains that he wouldn’t even know what happened, he wasn’t there because he was too busy playing his sh**ty saxophone, and then I laughed because true. Schwartz tries to be the buffer but he should know by now, that does not work. Jax is staying out of it and continues to play on his drum set only to have to put his child-like happiness on hold when Brittany’s dad calls. Because they were still filming, Brittany’s dad doesn’t know just how truly horrible Jax is, but he’s about to find out. She tells him what Jax did and Jax overhears everything. Her dad says that doesn’t surprise him and that he never really liked him. For someone who claims her family’s approval means everything, she sure isn’t listening to them. After her conversation with her dad, Jax talks to Brittany and lets her know he heard the conversation. He’s upset that she’s telling her family about his indiscretion and because he can’t take responsibility for his actions (he must’ve quit going to Reike) he tries to turn the situation on her, ending the conversation with “if you’re not happy then maybe you should move on.” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BRITTANY LISTEN TO ONE OF THESE PEOPLE.

It wasn’t all fighting and hating Jax. We learned where James gets his musical talent from – his dad, Andros, who also happens to be George Michael’s former manager. Oh, and George Michael is also James’ godfather. James’ dad thinks the world of him, letting him know he’ll make it because music is a part of his heritage. Finally, James opens up about his dad, explaining that the fallout between his dad and George Michael is what led to his world falling apart, losing everything and eventually splitting from James’ mother, which led to James spiraling himself. James wins the award for Most Grown-Up this episode.

Tom Tom is coming along nicely – for Lisa and Ken. Schwartz showed up at the construction site wearing sandals, willing to give up his investment if he had to give up his sandals. And finally, after repeatedly annoying us with his input and constantly being shut down, Sandoval finally knows his place: he paid $50K to bartend at a restaurant named after him. Well done.

We end the episode with Ariana, Lala, Scheana and Brittany having a drink, but because Scheana has a plan she turned this girl outing into an event by inviting Jeremy, Billie and, of course, new guy Adam. This is where I found myself on Scheana’s side (it took the ENTIRE episode but still).  Scheana wants to show Brittany she can do better, proven by Adam’s flirtatious demeanor towards her. Scheana pulls Brittany aside and gives her a pep talk, with Brittany responding with “but I love him”. We’ve all been there, including Scheana who brings up her situation: being 32 and divorced, no kids, no progress, having to start over, being in an imaginary relationship. I’m pretty sure she said all of those things. She then tells Brittany she deserves better. If that didn’t make you like Scheana a millimeter more then you’re a robot. At least she didn’t start with “well me and Rob” because if I have to listen to that for the remainder of the season I’m going to find a way to cancel television.

So, do you think Scheana’s words will get to Brittany? Will Brittany finally come to her senses? I hope so, what about you? Comment below!




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