RHOP Recap: I Came From Jesus

Season 3 Episode 6

May 7, 2018 9:08am

This week, RHOP moved to a new time, 8pm EST. With the time change also came a change in the group dynamic; it quickly became Charisse and Gizelle versus basically everyone else.

The episode begins with Karen talking about building a fragrance company and ultimately a “house of beauty.” Another celebrity who wants to start a beauty line, groundbreaking! She talks all about how she’s a self made woman as she brags about working at Taco Bell decades ago. Yet she still asks Ray for help getting started…what? Honestly though, I would pay money to see Karen Huger hand me a Doritos Locos through a drive thru window.

Monique laments ONCE AGAIN about how busy she is saying, “I’m literally being pulled in a million directions!” She claims she’s tired all the time, but I can guarantee she isn’t as tired as me listening to her talk about how damn tired she is. She lists “pleasing her husband” as basically a chore. Someone needs to tell this girl we aren’t in biblical times; if you don’t enjoy having sex with your husband, you don’t have to! But maybe talk through that in therapy or something because that doesn’t tend to make for the healthiest of marriages.

Instead, Monique joins Charisse, Candiace and Ashley in a cryotherapy session (which honestly would be a more appropriate term for all my Friday nights spent crying during ASPCA commercials). Charisse proceeds to throw more shade in regards to Candiace’s finances. She has the nerve to ask if Candiace’s mom bought her engagement ring. Really girl? WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE CHARISSE?!

The conversation turns to Ashley’s relationship which is still on the rocks, literally and figuratively. Later in the episode we see Michael and Ashley yet again arguing over Ashley’s mother and her boyfriend. I understand Michael not wanting to take care of a grown, jobless man living rent free in a house he helped pay for, but his attitude with his wife is not okay. Honestly dude, just shut the hell up and be grateful that you have a hot, young wife. If she wants to spend your money on gold toilet paper for the homeless, let her. Because you’re not going to do better than her.

Ashley and Michael talking

Instead of delving further into her marital problems with the ladies, Ashley announces that she’s planning a trip to Nemacolin Resort for the women, or “Nee-mah-colon” as they call it. It’s pronounced “NEM-ah-colon.” Trust me; my grandparents have a cottage about 20 minutes from there. My family and I have stolen enough chocolates and mini shampoos off of maid carts during free Christmas events at the resort to know the proper pronunciation. Get it right, ladies.

Apparently, the trip is a good distraction for Gizelle since her relationship seems to be on the rocks as well. Sherman isn’t communicating with Gizelle enough which is worrying her. “I know men don’t like to communicate,” she says. Okay, so we’re gendering literal communication now? Cool. I couldn’t help but shudder though when she ends a conversation with Sherman saying “I love you,” and he hits her with an “Alright, bye.” Ouch.

Bitter Vicki

On the way to Nemacolin, Monique tells the ladies about her car accident caused from a “long blink” she took while driving back from a lunch where she consumed anywhere from 2-4 drinks. “A long blink” is just going to be my excuse for everything from now on. “Oh, sorry I accidentally burnt your house down; you know how I like my afternoon wine and scented candles. I just took “a long blink,” and poof! Haha, don’t worry though I saved the rest of the wine. But I’m not sure where your dog is…”

Eye roll

During the ride, Candiace finally confronts Charisse about her asking if Candiace’s mom paid for the engagement ring. Candiace says it was a “shady bitch” moment,” and I couldn’t agree more. Charisse acts overly offended and says she “doesn’t play with kids.” Candiace retorts by calling her a “geriatric granny.” I petition that all RHOP insults from now on must involve an alliteration. Monique’s attempts to stop the yelling is like vegans trying to get me to stop eating real cheese; it just isn’t gonna happen.

The ladies finally arrive at the resort and are shortly driven to their house. On the way, Ashley stops to pee in the same woods where my best friend from 6th grade threw up in. Small world! But c’mon girl, could you have not waited the like 5 minutes until you got to your room?

Barely into the trip, a screaming match breaks out as Gizelle says Candiace owes Charisse an apology. Um, what? Charisse is the OG shade thrower here, she’s the one who owes Candiace an apology.

shade

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